Maybe it is just a down day. Maybe there are a lot of reasons. Who knows? For now, here are two of them:
1) I am turning 21 in 24 days. Now, if you are like everyone else in the world, this is the birthday that everyone makes seem like the best damn birthday of your life. Our culture ties so much into turning 21 that I have always imaged that it would be awesome at hell. But no. Here's the problem. My birthday falls at a very inconvenient time of year. It always has. I have moved to a different state on my birthday, twice. School has started on my birthday countless times. I was at some kind of swimming event thrice in high school. I have worked on it 3 times. And had major drama going on with friends two times too many. Because of all these things the whole birthday celebration has just been very...Harry Potter all my life. It always falls at a time when people cannot be bothered to care... But this year is my 21st, so I wanted it to be awesome. First, a friend and I were going to go to Minnesota: fell through. Then a bunch of my friends talked about coming to visit me in Seattle: slipped their minds. I thought about going home to WY: no way in hell am I turning 21 within a 1000 mile radius of my dad. Also, not in Riverton, WY. What the hell am I going to do there? Get used by my underage friends to buy them alcohol? No, thanks. Then I thought maybe I could just organize something with people around Seattle: 1) School does not start till the end of Sept, so all of my school friends are not back yet. 2) The lease on my house ends on August 31, so all of the girls I have lived with all summer, including me, will be in the process of moving in elsewhere...some of them quite far away. I know I am complaining a lot, but it is just upsetting that I am about to turn 21, and I have no one to celebrate it with me. The WORST part about it is that I am sure I could get people to do SOMETHING, but it would just turn into a pity party. I do not like feeling like I need to convince people to care about my birthday. Shouldn't friends just be excited enough to WANT to do something with me? To help plan it of their own accord? Without me complaining about nobody wanting to do anything with me? I do not want to celebrate the "most exciting" birthday of my life with people who are only lukewarm friends. I do not even care that much about being 21. I just care about other people caring whether I care or not...
Anyway. Sorry. Emodome. Just really upset. Anyway. I have decided that I think I am going to throw an online party. That way I will be with people who actually seem to care about me, even if they are thousands of miles away. You are all invited. Also. This was all triggered by a dream I had last night...it was not something I was worried about, until then.
2) If you read Hayley G Hoover's or Kristina Horner's blogs today they talked about hate comments. Hayley also talked about feeling like "What's the point?" in trying to write when there is so much intense competition out there. (Word.) Hayley also said, "Do you encounter issues like this in your internet endeavors? Or what about in real life? Ever get a bad grade on a paper in your best subject, and feel totally defeated, whereas a similar grade on something else wouldn't have mattered?" That is another thing that is upsetting me. Bad feedback from my short story writing instructor. I mean. I got an A on the assignment... But still. It was an assignment I thought I had done very well on, but most of her feedback was complaining about my use of the passive voice and not being able to take me seriously because of proofreading errors. It just made me feel like a terrible writer who should give up already.
I am sorry. This is a terrible blog. I was not intending on explaining so much. I was just going to say, "I cannot write a proper blog today, because I am feeling....(insert feelings)." But then it just escalated. I really am sorry. This is a dumb blog...but I have to write one everyday... Also, I cried a lot while I was writing this, which is also dumb. Due to these things, I do not feel like reading it again. Too emotional. So SCREW PROOFREADING. If you feel like you cannot take this blog seriously because of proofreading errors, then I do not care. It is a blog and not one I am particularly proud of...
Until next time, sorry for the emoblog.
Love,
Sara
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