BEDA Day 30: Packs of wild dementors are flooding the streets

Uggggh. Day 30. I am depressed today. But when I get depressed, I do not just get sad about something in the present or whatever, but I start to think all these terrible things about life in general. Maybe that is what everybody does. But I start to fixate on memories and think how nothing ever turns out the way a person imagines it and then I just feel like there is no such thing as happiness except in our imagination.

Just an hour or so ago I was doing some deep cleaning at my house (one of the things we have to do before we move out) and listening to a mix CD that my friend Amy gave to me just a few hours before I left to move to Seattle. And it got me thinking about how excited I was to move here and how I imagined it all. And then I thought about how none of it was the way I had hoped, and how 2010 had been mostly bad...and then I was just... upset. I felt like I could never be happy because nothing would ever be as good as I imagined. Then I just got all worried that happiness would never exist, and I was just getting by because there was no other option. (Reminds me of Resume by Dorothy Parker but you know...a bit less morbid). Needless to say it was very dementor like... I felt as if I had never been happy and would never be happy again and could not imagine what happiness was like anymore or how it came to be. I even decided that last fall when I was living with my friend Allie was the happiest time of my life, and truly regretted giving it all up...

Mostly I just wanted it to rain or snow or ANYTHING. I think I have seasonal depression but mine it when the sun shines too much... I dunno...

Well anyway. So I was super depressed and I am getting a bit more depressed just typing about it right now. But then after I finished cleaning I sat down to write this blog and one of my roommates was watching Friends and I laughed a lot and felt better. Laughing is my patronus.

Anyway. Yeah. Was sad. Feel a bit better. Moving into my new place tomorrow. Wish me luck...

Also. I have plans for a September thing. I am calling it "Do Shit Every Day in September", because even though I kind of hated this whole BEDA thing and felt like it turned this blog into something I never intended, I still did it everyday. Which is pretty awesome. Remember that blog when I worried about never accomplishing anything? Well. In September I am going to do shit. More on this tomorrow.

Quote of the moment: "It hasn't been your day, maybe your month, or even your year..." mhmmmm.

NIGHT. and Love!