BEDA Day 31: I DID IIIIIIIIIIT!! Also, 26 shirts.

OH. EM. GEE. Last day of Beda. Thank goodness. I hated this. I do not write well under pressure. I know...I know...what a detrimental quality for a wanna-be writer...

Anyway. I am super tired right now. Sitting in the basement of a house where I, as of today, know about three people. I only say it is a house because you will take me seriously if I say house. In reality it is Aragog's lair. Spiders. Spiders. Spiders. Also. There is a pile of exactly 26 t-shirts next to me.

I love my bedroom. Love it. It was build for me. I know it. They were like. Sara J Perkins. BAM. Done. The closet is like this perfect shape for me to really fuck around with. Which is to say. Hang things EVERYWHERE. I mean necklaces, purses, scarves, hats, belts, EVERYTHING draping down the walls. Then there is like this ledge all the way across the top bit of the longest wall. I do not even have to worry about getting a bookshelf. It was built in!! Woot. Also. There are seven corners in here (not coutning the 5 corner closet). So many corners! I love corners. They are the only place where I feel truly comfortable putting stuff. It weirds me out to have something just hang out next to a straight wall. Anyway, my carpet and paint are both new (YES!) and this room is much smaller than the one at my apartment. Which is good. I was not made for large open spaces. I like to be confined in small places. So much more comfortable. One of the reasons why I like LOTS of trees. this is why I sometimes tell people I am a bit agoraphobic. It is not a fear. But a preference.

Did I mention the pile of 26 shirts? It is not like a normal pile. They are all laid out flat on top of each other. It is quite curious.

Oh wait. I forgot the one drawback. There is no furniture. (YET.) I have to get my bed from my parents' when I go back to Wyoming for the next week or so. Other than that I plan on just picking up stuff people are done with and giving away for freeee. I need to do that tomorrow. Now is the best time because everyone is moving so therefore giving away their stuff. I am a scavenger. Living off the land. Sometimes scavengers are bad... :( Anyway, tonight I just plan on curling up in a ball in a corner with my bed things...like a nest. Like Kreacher. I do hope I get this place decorated before I go...Did I mention I have a job interview tomorrow AND the next day? Well...I did now. Too bad I have to go to Hogwarts tomorrow and will miss both of them. ;)

Anyway. That is just me talking. I am done now. Just excited about how much I love my new quarters. Finally have my own room again. It. Has. Been. AGES.

Okay. So as for September...well. I will explain it tomorrow...sigh. But the main idea is that I focus on the "List of Things to Do" that I made a few blogs ago and accomplish one or more of them every single day. No matter what it is. As long as I do SOMETHING. ANYTHING. And I will post here what I do, so then I cannot be so lazy as I usually am. The kind of lazy that makes me feel unaccomplished and what not.

Anywhoser. I am done with this. I have said it a million times this month, and I will say it again. I do not like blogging like this. A blog, for me, is an outlet of expression. This kind of blogging--the turning one out every single day when you do not have time for creativity kind of blogging--is just like diary keeping...and it is not my niche. Nevah again. It is like the difference between a vlog and a creative youtube video. You know? I am not a vlog kind of blogger. I am a self proclaimed creative expression kind of blogger. Haha.

PEACE BEDA! :D

PS Remind me to buy hangers tomorrow. I have got these 26 shirts....

Night.

BEDA Day 30: Packs of wild dementors are flooding the streets

Uggggh. Day 30. I am depressed today. But when I get depressed, I do not just get sad about something in the present or whatever, but I start to think all these terrible things about life in general. Maybe that is what everybody does. But I start to fixate on memories and think how nothing ever turns out the way a person imagines it and then I just feel like there is no such thing as happiness except in our imagination.

Just an hour or so ago I was doing some deep cleaning at my house (one of the things we have to do before we move out) and listening to a mix CD that my friend Amy gave to me just a few hours before I left to move to Seattle. And it got me thinking about how excited I was to move here and how I imagined it all. And then I thought about how none of it was the way I had hoped, and how 2010 had been mostly bad...and then I was just... upset. I felt like I could never be happy because nothing would ever be as good as I imagined. Then I just got all worried that happiness would never exist, and I was just getting by because there was no other option. (Reminds me of Resume by Dorothy Parker but you know...a bit less morbid). Needless to say it was very dementor like... I felt as if I had never been happy and would never be happy again and could not imagine what happiness was like anymore or how it came to be. I even decided that last fall when I was living with my friend Allie was the happiest time of my life, and truly regretted giving it all up...

Mostly I just wanted it to rain or snow or ANYTHING. I think I have seasonal depression but mine it when the sun shines too much... I dunno...

Well anyway. So I was super depressed and I am getting a bit more depressed just typing about it right now. But then after I finished cleaning I sat down to write this blog and one of my roommates was watching Friends and I laughed a lot and felt better. Laughing is my patronus.

Anyway. Yeah. Was sad. Feel a bit better. Moving into my new place tomorrow. Wish me luck...

Also. I have plans for a September thing. I am calling it "Do Shit Every Day in September", because even though I kind of hated this whole BEDA thing and felt like it turned this blog into something I never intended, I still did it everyday. Which is pretty awesome. Remember that blog when I worried about never accomplishing anything? Well. In September I am going to do shit. More on this tomorrow.

Quote of the moment: "It hasn't been your day, maybe your month, or even your year..." mhmmmm.

NIGHT. and Love!

BEDA Day 29: Poem up for critiquing...

So earlier today I posted a poem here for critiquing. But then I took it down and made few edits. It is a bit better now but still not even close to being complete. I wrote this this morning and edited it just now. I am concerned about fluidity between ideas and rhythm. Let me know if you feel like you understand it and how the poem's ideas flowed for you. Did you feel cheated by any of it? Was there any particular part that you feel the rhythm distracted you to the point of leaving the passage of the poem? I dunno. Just let me know what you think in general. Keep in mind. This is pretty much first draft material, so you are allowed to be as harsh as you want. Honesty is nothing but helpful.

I am currently trying to compose my portfolio to apply for the Creative Writing major so I might start posting more poems/stories to get feedback. I need to make them as good as humanly possibly. So seriously, any and all feedback is welcome. :)

Eve
Sometimes it snows in September
and I wear a winter coat
Sometimes it merely rains
and I sport a spring umbrella
Sometimes it shines the same as August
and still I buy new clothes
To wear them proudly
and peal them off with you
To throw them out and watch them dance
like secrets in the wind
And come October as they start to settle
we lay among them together
Reminiscing of the days when we used to feel
just like September

By December’s end you’re gone
And I stand
naked in my winter coat
Thinking how unreasonably fond we were
of the fall

My personal opinion is that the journey from September to October is unintentionally jarring. That it gets to the idea of disappointment before truly establishing the romantized situation...Maybe I should just take October out all together? I think I just put it in because I really like the idea of a person feeling like September. Originally, I wanted to make it a more intimate examination of a person and then someone saying "you feel like september" but it feels like overkill in this situation...maybe take it out and save it for later?

On another note, remember that giant "To Do" list I made before I was done with school? I have accomplished number 1, will be working on number 7 starting tomorrow, am in the process of number 2, will be doing all of number 4 the week after next, and am clearly working a bit on 8 and 12. Also, done a sliver of 14. I guess I am doing okay. But I need to keep hammering away at it.

Also, the decision to post this poem today was really great motivation for me to gets some writing done. I am thinking for September I make a deal to post a poem or story once or twice a week. Would you read? They probably would not be spectacular...but at least I would be working on them...

POLL: If you have read the Hunger Games, would it be a bad idea for me to listen to the audio book while I drive back to Wyoming? Should I just wait and actually READ it instead? I mean...how do you think that might affect the experience positively or negatively?

Night

BEDA Day 28: I am in like with my own fictional character and so are you

You know that phenomenon that takes place when you find someone that you sort of kind of like (but maybe do not really know all that much) and then you project all of your ideas and desire for affection onto them? Like with celebrities and the like? I think it is just an intriguing but incredibly annoying event. When you know that this person is not somebody who should be in your head all the time. Talking, altering your behaviors, affecting your decisions. It makes me feel weird. I feel like I went without this "voice" in my head for at least a year or so..but maybe I am wrong. Maybe we always have it. Maybe I just replaced it with like fictional characters or celebrities or whoever between the times when it has been real people. I dunno...do you have a voice in YOUR head? I wonder if there was every a time when I truly did not. You know...I really really think there was. Must have been. I remember it actually...I think. And it was the best. It is that "after break up" feeling when you learn to be yourself again. i wonder if after that wears off I am ever truly me... I want to be who I am, because of me, because of what I like. And I want these nobodies--who should not even really matter to me because I am just imagining them differently than they actually are--out of my head...

Makes me think of the whole Edward Cullen phenomenon. People love him so much BECAUSE they know so little about it. They can project whatever they want onto him. That is what makes him such a genius character (yeah. I said it. Stephanie Meyer did something genius. Was it a conscious decision or just something that occurred naturally because that is how we are.), because it takes the place of that desire to believe something perfect exists. He is a blank canvas for anybody to project any ideals and desires onto.

I dunno. Anyway. Voice in the head? Person who will not get out of your thoughts? Do you have one? Do you want it gone? I want it gone. I want this person who is more imagination that reality to disappear. But to be fair. I can reasonably say that it is not really that person who is in my mind. Maybe I can change the person's name and a few other things and just turn him into a fictional character and then it will not count as that person anymore. Maybe I could make a story out of him. Haha. Strategies to get people out of your head: Turn them into fictional characters and forget the real person you hardly know.

Anyway. Did that make sense? Prolly not. Can this also be considered No Edits in August? NEA? Haha. Or No Proofreading in August: NPRA (XD NPR).

Also. Update on the birthday situation. Remember that Harry Potter Exhibit job I mentioned? My interview/audition is at 1pm on my birthday. What does that mean? It means prolly no going out the night before. As for the day of...I guess my dad got me a ticket to see Creedence Clearwater Revival on the 3rd in Wyoming. So it seems as though I will spend my big day getting ready for an interview and then driving to Wyoming the rest of the night so as to be in Wyoming in time for the concert. i like to travel so I suppose that is okay. I will listen to an audio book or something. As for the internet party...I guess I still wanna do it, but I just need to figure out when it will not be awkward to do it, as I will be at my parents' house Sept 3-15...hmmm....anyway. End

Night.

BEDA Day 27: A poem for me and you

For my BEDA post today, I am going to share a poem. It is not by me, but I really like it and I think the idea behind it is very relevant. Something that I am guilty of. That everybody is guilty of. Anyway, my blog yesterday really reminded me of it.

"With Sincerest Regrets"
BY Russell Edson
(for Charles Simic)

Like a monstrous snail, a toilet slides into a living room on a track of wet, demanding to be loved.
It is impossible, and we tender our sincerest regrets. In the book of the heart there is no mention made of plumbing.
And though we have spent our intimacy many times with you, you belong to an unfortunate reference, which we would rather not embrace ...
The toilet slides away ...

Anyway, yeah. Also, blogger messes up line breaks so...you will just have to experience it without. :(

Night.

BEDA Day 26: Two kinds of people

Ask me how cold I am right now. Do it. Do it right now.

Pretty effing cold is the answer. I should really put a sweater on or turn off the effing air conditioning. But...I am too lazy to do these things.

I had a pretty interesting day. Did a lot of "living in the city" or "on the town" type stuff. Went to a Zakk Wylde signing. The thing about that is...signings are just signings. You just gotta get something signed and go. It is a little disappointing. You know? I guess I also have this problem where when I am around someone I think is really badass but who does not know me at all, I get all fangirlly and my brain falls out, and I say stupid incoherent things. Signings are disappointing because it is not really MEETING the person doing the signing. They are forced to pump out signatures in so fast and so short a time that it is almost like a machine. They cannot be themselves so you don't really get to experience them. Both my sister-in-law and I have now "met" Zakk Wylde (She really really met him. Like hung out with him and the band by herself.) while I just shook his hand and mumbled some stupid things at him... However, it is my older brother (married to that sister-in-law) who is the true Zakk Wylde fan and introduced us to him. I just hope...that when one day he finally gets to meet the guy it is in a personally setting where he gets to hang out with the real guy, like my sister-in-law did. I hope he never ever ever has to meet him for just a few seconds, because I am afraid he will get disappointed and stop liking him so much. I would hate that. So so much. I never want anyone I love to get disappointed by their idols. Some people are just best left unmet (not that Zakk was not awesome. I just feel like I did not really meet him at all. It was so fast.). Like celebrity crushes. I have this friend who will never do meet&greets or signings with bands she loves because she is afraid they will disappoint her. I think that is wise.

But anyway. I got something signed for that brother and plan on giving it to him for Christmas. It was a one-signature-per-a-person type deal. So...while I would have loved to have something signed by Zakk Wylde for myself, I think it would mean more to my older brother. Sometimes I wish I was not like this though. One time I gave a significant other something really, really special that I got from my Dad and now I regret it. I doubt that that person really cares about it as much as I did. It meant a lot for me to give it, but I am not sure it meant as much to recieve it. I am afraid that this will happen with my brother. What if he thinks the signature is NBD (no big deal)? (Signed things just do not mean the same if you do not watch the signing take place.) I would be really upset, because I could have gotten something signed for myself... I dunno.... I wonder if my brother would get something signed by one of my idols for me if he had the chance? I think so...I know so. But I worry that the fact that he already has something directly from Zakk (a bandana that my sister-in-law got for him) that he will not care as much and it all would have been a waste...hmmm....

On another note. I had one of my friends stand in line with me, so I could get something signed for my friend Richard, and that I do not regret ONE BIT! Because I know how much he will appreciate it. I already know he is going to love it (because, unlike my brother, it will not be a surprise--we talked about it before). And that makes me feel like I am made of diamonds, because I like to do things for people who like to say thank you. :D

This just makes me think about how there are some people in the world who like things done for them. They like people to do things for them all the time and always ask people to do such things and never really thank them, because they are just used to it. These are the people that get all the attention. Because they demand it all the time. And then there are people who like to do things for people. They like to help people out, because it makes them feel good to do things for other people. But these people also tend to be forgotten and ignored. They do not get nearly the appreciation that they deserve. And then, when the tables are turned on them and somebody actually does something FOR THEM, they are so not used to it that they thank that person a million times over. People who like to do things for people tend to appreciate things being done for them much more than people who just like to have things done for them. You know what I mean? Do you know people like this? I have a friend named Mallory and another friend, Rachel, who are the 2nd kind of people. They just love to do nice things for people all the time, and I think they are not nearly appreciated enough for what they do. I have known Mallory quite a bit longer than Rachel, so I know her better, and I just think she deserves the world twice over for being such a kind, giving person. If I knew Rachel just an ounce better, I would probably say the same. They do not get as much attention, for what they do, as I think they should. *hearts*

Anyway, other than all that. I got to see a sneak preview of the pilot of that new show The Event at a movie theatre today. The show was so-so, but seeing it at a theatre and really early was totally cool and glamorous. My housemate (the friend who came with me to the signing) gave me a ticket, and she is just the sweetest. She did me such a huge favor today. I think she is the 2nd kind of person fersher.

I love everybody.

Night.

Also, blogging so much about Zakk Wylde takes me back to the days of my myspace blog. Let's just say his name came up frequently.

PS. The first time I wrote this my Safari closed when I tried to upload it. So I posted an angry blog called "Fuck Safari" (which I will delete soon) but then I found this again in my drafts. THANK GOODNESS. :D

BEDA Day 25: Life is like that.

I am drink diet root beer out of a purple Kaplan University cup. I remember getting this cup. I was walking through a part of campus that is now shut down for construction. It came with free pizza with the exchange of an email address for solicitations. A cup and free pizza in exchange for permission to solicit. Sometimes life is like that. But now I have diet root beer on ice in a cup that no one can see through to judge me for drinking soda and not water at this hour. It occurs to me that this cup is designed specifically for that purpose. To hide what a person is drinking. Alcohol. Or the premise of it.

I picked a house today. I picked a big, beat up, creepy house full of messy awkward nerds my age over a small, nice, well maintained, uncomfortably intimate house full of older, more responsible people. Did I make the right choice? I dunno. I think one of my main motivational factors was to pick a place that I would not mind bringing friends to. I wanted a house that felt as little like my parents as possible. So I picked a house that felt like it was in the thick of things rather than a house that felt a bit out of the way. In exchange for that I sacrificed cleanliness and aesthetic pleasure. Sometimes life is like that. But now I have a place to put my things that allows me to hide from the world as efficiently as possible.

I am unreasonably excited for school to start. Fall feels nice. It feels new. It feels exciting. And for once in my damned life I feel prepared for school to start. I feel like I will have myself together well enough to make a good, fresh start on my classes. Instead of starting out behind and never really catching up.

Did I tell you I am going to substitute teach when I go back to Wyoming for a couple weeks? Did I also tell you that I do not really like substitute teaching? I have to dress up nice and watch over kids all day in exchange for money and several hours of misery. Sometimes life is like that.

Night.