BEDA Day 14: Sara really has nothing interesting to say (...or at least no motivation to say it), but she will pretend to have a point.

Oh blog. For the first day all month, I nearly forgot about you. It was sunny as hale to day. Sunny and way hot. As a result my skin is a now a light shade of pink. I really have nothing interesting to say.

Except that I LOST MY TRUCK IN DOWNTOWN SEATTLE FOR HOURS!

Well you see. Obviously, I have a problem with the notion of paying for parking. (As you can see from my parking ticket record.) Anyway. So I drove all over downtown Seattle trying to find cheap parking and when I finally found some, I was much further from my destination (The Seattle YouTube Gathering) than I thought. I had to walk for a billion miles to find it. After I left I walked in the direction of where I parked for a long time, but I forgot the exact streets and neighborhood. So I walked around in the hot sun for about a billion years and thought I might have to call someone to tell me where there were parking lots owned by the same company around me. Anyway. I eventually found it. And I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that I learned a lesson. That I will pay more attention to where I park from now on. Wrong. This has happened SEVERAL times before. I am just not used to having to pay so much attention to were I place my vehicle and it is just not a habit I see myself developing anytime soon. The point being that sometimes you just have to accept that you cannot fix every problem. I hate misplacing things. Like my phone and not remembering where I put this shirt or that assignment. But that does not mean I can actually expect to prevent it. Things get lost. Parking spaces get forgotten. I hated walking around for forever trying to find my car in 100,000,000,000,000 degree weather, but I am certain that it will happen again and there is just no use stressing over trying to prevent it.

The end.

I am boring.

I hate what BEDA has done to my blogging.

>(

NIGHT!

BEDA Day 13: Eat Pray Love

Technically it is no longer August 13th. So perhaps that means I fail for today. But I am going to blog about today (as in the the 13th) so....exception?

I just saw the movie Eat Pray Love. While I was watching it I thought about how theme parks always have music playing. Constantly. I understand why now. If the world had theme music playing constantly, where ever we went, it would be exceptionally more romantic and ideal. Because movies have soundtracks they give us an unrealistic expectation of life. Hey World, from now on could you please always play the perfect song for what is happening in my life and how I am feeling? Please, thank you.

In regards to the movie. I liked it (but I like almost everything). It was very relevant to how I think a lot of people think and feel. However, I did kind of feel like the main character sorta took on the characteristics of a Stephanie Meyer heroine. She made very rash decisions when it came to love and life. Meaning I could not always trust her decisions as what I would do in her situation. She was definitely ruled by in-the-moment emotions, which I mean, yes...I do that. But I often find myself wondering, "Did I make the right choice?" And I cannot help but imagine that she spent most of her time wondering the same. I believe this movie was made as an adaptation of a book, and I could definitely tell. This is one of those stories that the thoughts and emotions of the protagonist MAKE the story what it is. If I had more incite into the character's brain, I think it would have had an infinitely more powerful message, and I would have been able to relate to her more. Do not get me wrong. I liked it a lot. The message was great and the story was very beautiful and one that any person who is human can relate to and understand. But I am certain that the book is better. In conclusions, it is a much more substantial movie that the ones you can usually see these days. I would say borderline Wes Andersonesque. Deep. Emotional. True. Literary? I dunno...I could say more. But for now...

In other news, I got a parking ticket while I was in the movie.

Parking tickets this year: 10

Parking tickets in my life: 11

D:

Bye!

BEDA Day 12: Blood is extra. (Commence ranting.)

My head hurts and my eyes are burning with the power of ten thousand suns. My head hurts every day. It is dumb. I always blame my glasses. Which is silly. I blame my eyes on the abundance of mascara I am wearing right now. This is because I had a job interview today at Forever 21. I am not sure I will get it. I have never gotten a job after doing an interview. Ever. Ever. Ever. Also, today it was a "group interview", which means they call in a bunch of people at once and interview you all at the same time, right in front of each other. Weird. But interesting. Better than the one on one, because it ensured that I was a tad bit less weird, but also more uncomfortable, because you have a whole bunch of people judging you at once. I do not think I did terrible, but I am not going to say I stood out. Plus, I think availability is an issue. My schedule is as every changing as the tide. As a matter of fact, the reworked schedule that I wrote down at the interview this afternoon is now no longer valid. Why? Because I got into this class that I have been checking EVERYDAY. ALL. SUMMER. for openings. There was one today, and I pounced on it like a tiger. However, immediately after I registered for it I started second guessing the decision. The reason for my lack of certainty revolves entirely around this fact: I have absolutely no confidence in myself as a writer. Not even an shred of an ounce. I am operating on the idea that I have very little chance of getting into the Creative Writing major. My entire purpose of transferring to this school was the prestigious and highly competitive Creative Writing major, but I cannot help but assume that everything I write is complete and total utter crap. In addition to this, I have recently gained the fear that the way I form sentences and manipulate the English language is "awkward" and "clunky". How can it be that something as simple as stringing together sentences is my downfall? It is almost like I am writing as if English is my second language. It all just makes me feel like I just need to give up. Especially being involved in the major. Learning about stuff that I always knew (being a reader) but never had to force myself to think about before is making me loose even more confidence in myself. I feel like thinking about it makes me over think about it, and my skills deteriorate with all the stress that comes with this knowledge. But maybe I am making excuses. Maybe I just suck. The problem is. There is no way to know. Your own writing always seems so different to you than it does to your reader. By an effing landslide. It is as trivial as figuring out the difference between self-image and how the rest of the world sees you. Anyway. End rant.

What do you tend to feel under confident about? Dreams that you feel like you need to give up on?

PS. Title explanation: Is started as "In which Sara beats herself up. Literally. (Blood is extra.)" Ha? HaHa?

BEDA Day 11: Regrets

In my "Drafts" folder of my text messages on my phone, I have a whole bunch of saved messages to myself. Just little things that I think about and want to write down. Usually, the purpose of this is to make note of it, so I can use the ideas in blogs or poems or stories and sometimes unfortunately, essays I happen to by thinking about. Well anyway, I was just going through some of them for something to write about for today, but I feel kind of weird writing about them. It is weird to try to write "deep" stuff when you are not in a "deep" mood. But whatevah.

Here is the one I am going to write about today: "Every moment and choice in your life becomes part of who you are. Of your story. And it will never go away."

Now, I think what I was thinking about when I wrote this down (many months ago, I think) was this: You know when you are thinking about something, anything that happened in your life and you get that feeling of...regret. That feeling that you wish you could erase this one thing from your life. But the thing is, you cannot. Everything that you ever do ever becomes a part of you. And at the moment that something happens you think it is "not a big deal". The present always seems like "not a big deal". It feels like it will not really affect your life, but the fact that you can remember it at anytime means that it DOES affect your life. Somehow it becomes a part of who you are. Me, sitting here on this couch right now, making a mild attempt at my homework will become a part of me. One day, I might regret this. In fact, every memory I have of myself accomplishing very little becomes minutes of my life that I regret. But they are part of me, and I cannot take that back. You cannot relive your minutes, so I suppose the point is to make the most of the ones you have. What I am particularly referring to are little moments. Tiny memories. Like the decision to drink that one July night when I was 17 and missing swimming practice the next day, letting my team down. Or the decision an hour ago to stay here and accomplish nothing when I could have gone to the store with some of my housemates and bonded a bit. While I do not regret that hugely now. I am sure one day I will be upset with myself for being so antisocial this summer. Or maybe all the hours upon hours I have spent wasting time this year that will mean a poorer GPA than I would like. Or even just deciding to sleep through my morning class today. That could be the one day that means my grade and ruins something about my life. I mean. Maybe those are not great examples. But the point is that things that seem like "not a big deal" at the time are often the things that you look back on and remember and wish that you could erase them from part of your life. This is something that I definitely think middle school, high school, college age kids should think about. Sleeping with that one guy or taking that one drug might seem like no big deal at the time, but they might become the things that you are really, really ashamed of later in life and you wish you could forget. And, I mean, you can hide these things from the people in your life...but you will never really be able to erase them from your life story.

BEDA Day 10: That is a FACT Jack!

Hello blog! How are you today?! My name is Sara! We have met. ...too much recently. Now I am going to tell you some FACCCTS:

1) Seattle smells like fish.

2) I had to turn in my short story today. I was not happy with it.

3) The Harry Potter Exhibition is coming to Seattle! ZOMG!!

4) I stole a cup from a restaurant today.

a) It looked like bamboo.

b) There is a story that goes with this.

5) Matt Lewis is in the same city as me RIGHT NOW!

a) I have no idea why.

6) I am still unemployed! (This is bad.)

7) Next week is my last week of summer classes! Then I FINALLY get summer break!

8) I am wearing too much make-up right now.

9) I have no idea where I am going to move to at the end of the month!

10) I REALLY need to trim my hair.

11) The Twilight/Eclipse soundtrack is still stuck in my cd player in my macbook. :(

12) Being vegan is my one true talent. It comes to me so naturally.

13) My sinuses just plugged up, out of nowhere and for no reason.

14) I have a running bucket-list.

a) I should post it here.

15) There is a person who is "the voice in my head" that I wish wasn't.

16) I believe the universe led me to Seattle for a reason...I just don't know what it is yet.

a) There is a story that goes with this, as well.

17) Seattle YouTube Gathering next weekend! Woooooo!

18) My short story writing teacher looks and sounds like Tina Fey.

a) She is funny.

b) She is the strictest teacher I have ever had.

c) It is upsetting.

19) I have been to Forks. And enjoyed it.

20) I am adding "I Cross My Heart" by George Straight to my list of songs.

21) This blog was not even remotely predetermined.

THE END!

BEDA Day 9: Human Interest Stories

You know how something can really, really bother you until you say it out loud or write it down, and then as soon as it is outside of your brain you are just over it? That was what yesterday was like. As soon as all that stuff was outside of my mind, I felt better. I even almost deleted my post, because it just did not matter so much anymore. But that would be cheating. :D

Anyway. Today, I am going to tell you some (as in two) stories about people who are not me.

ONE!

Last summer, there was a day at work in which one of my coworkers got a call, from her parents, saying that her younger sister (about 7) had been hit by a car. Her sister ended up being okay, except she was paralyzed from the waist down. :( Well, I just found out that that little girl's funeral was today. One year later. The last I heard about it, she was getting better... I dunno. Being from a small town, I just feel like I should have paid more attention to the situation. Been there. ...It is just very sad. :(

Two!

A girl in my house works for Enterprise Rent-a-Car. According to hearsay this is what happened to her today: A group of people--two girls and one guy--dropped off a car at her work today. They had driven from Kansas to meet up with people who they had met online. However, the people they were supposed to meet with stood them up. So these three people from Kansas are stranded in Seattle. Apparently, they ran out of money at some point, and the one girl was only there, because the other too were using her as a pocket of money. So once they ran out, she got like banished from their good graces. That girl called her mother and the mother wired her money to get a bus home to Kansas. The girl I live with drove her to the bus stop, and the girl talks about there being a cat in the car. She said they had never let the cat out the whole trip, and it was just sitting in its own pee in its little kennel. Also, that they had not fed it because they did not want it to poop, and were just planning on letting it go instead of worrying about it. Um...bad pet owners much? Anyway. So the one girl goes home via bus. But the other two are stuck here in Seattle. The girl I live with had to help them unload the car and all that business. She said that it was full of luggage, as if they thought they were moving, and it reeked of cat pee. She offered to call a place that would take the cat for them and take care of it. But, I guess they had let it go before she got a chance to offer. They said, "We let it out to give it some food, and it just ran away." Lies. So now that cat is just run wild and homeless in the city of Seattle. Now, the car was super messed up and has to get detailed and stuff. Needless to say all the charges are going to go to that poor girl who paid for the trip and went home on the bus. The two people left had no where to be (because the people had stood them up) and no money to get back home (because they were like...planning on staying here with those people long term). But I guess the man had a bunch of ninja swords that he planned on selling or pawning in order to buy bus tickets to get them home to Kansas. And that is all I know up until now...last I heard they were still at Enterprise Rent-A-Car trying to figure themselves out. Trip gone wrong much? :(

K. That is all. NIGHT.

EMOBLOG: It's looking like another Taylor Swift day...

Today I am feeling unloved, invisible, useless, ugly, disheartened, outcast, untalented, lost, insecure, alone, and a whole slew of other bad stuff.

Maybe it is just a down day. Maybe there are a lot of reasons. Who knows? For now, here are two of them:

1) I am turning 21 in 24 days. Now, if you are like everyone else in the world, this is the birthday that everyone makes seem like the best damn birthday of your life. Our culture ties so much into turning 21 that I have always imaged that it would be awesome at hell. But no. Here's the problem. My birthday falls at a very inconvenient time of year. It always has. I have moved to a different state on my birthday, twice. School has started on my birthday countless times. I was at some kind of swimming event thrice in high school. I have worked on it 3 times. And had major drama going on with friends two times too many. Because of all these things the whole birthday celebration has just been very...Harry Potter all my life. It always falls at a time when people cannot be bothered to care... But this year is my 21st, so I wanted it to be awesome. First, a friend and I were going to go to Minnesota: fell through. Then a bunch of my friends talked about coming to visit me in Seattle: slipped their minds. I thought about going home to WY: no way in hell am I turning 21 within a 1000 mile radius of my dad. Also, not in Riverton, WY. What the hell am I going to do there? Get used by my underage friends to buy them alcohol? No, thanks. Then I thought maybe I could just organize something with people around Seattle: 1) School does not start till the end of Sept, so all of my school friends are not back yet. 2) The lease on my house ends on August 31, so all of the girls I have lived with all summer, including me, will be in the process of moving in elsewhere...some of them quite far away. I know I am complaining a lot, but it is just upsetting that I am about to turn 21, and I have no one to celebrate it with me. The WORST part about it is that I am sure I could get people to do SOMETHING, but it would just turn into a pity party. I do not like feeling like I need to convince people to care about my birthday. Shouldn't friends just be excited enough to WANT to do something with me? To help plan it of their own accord? Without me complaining about nobody wanting to do anything with me? I do not want to celebrate the "most exciting" birthday of my life with people who are only lukewarm friends. I do not even care that much about being 21. I just care about other people caring whether I care or not...

Anyway. Sorry. Emodome. Just really upset. Anyway. I have decided that I think I am going to throw an online party. That way I will be with people who actually seem to care about me, even if they are thousands of miles away. You are all invited. Also. This was all triggered by a dream I had last night...it was not something I was worried about, until then.

2) If you read Hayley G Hoover's or Kristina Horner's blogs today they talked about hate comments. Hayley also talked about feeling like "What's the point?" in trying to write when there is so much intense competition out there. (Word.) Hayley also said, "Do you encounter issues like this in your internet endeavors? Or what about in real life? Ever get a bad grade on a paper in your best subject, and feel totally defeated, whereas a similar grade on something else wouldn't have mattered?" That is another thing that is upsetting me. Bad feedback from my short story writing instructor. I mean. I got an A on the assignment... But still. It was an assignment I thought I had done very well on, but most of her feedback was complaining about my use of the passive voice and not being able to take me seriously because of proofreading errors. It just made me feel like a terrible writer who should give up already.

I am sorry. This is a terrible blog. I was not intending on explaining so much. I was just going to say, "I cannot write a proper blog today, because I am feeling....(insert feelings)." But then it just escalated. I really am sorry. This is a dumb blog...but I have to write one everyday... Also, I cried a lot while I was writing this, which is also dumb. Due to these things, I do not feel like reading it again. Too emotional. So SCREW PROOFREADING. If you feel like you cannot take this blog seriously because of proofreading errors, then I do not care. It is a blog and not one I am particularly proud of...

Until next time, sorry for the emoblog.

Love,

Sara