now. forgive me. i am as religious as anyone. really. i am really, really concerned and...in tune? with the forces of the universe. but. i was just thinking. what if this really is it? what if this. right here. is all that i will ever be. ever. not just my life. but my entire existence.
i know thinking like this is a total mind fuck. scary as shit. and just like. bizarre. it is insane to think about...ending. AND the world continuing to exist without you. so. bizarre.
but i am just saying. if this really is all that i will ever be. well. i am not going to fuck around anymore.
i do not think about death a lot. but when i do. well. i wonder. what is "living"? is it straight edge, healthy, 8 hours of sleep, regular exercise? or is it pass me the lsd and do not wake me before 3 pm? how do we define "life in your years"? what is alive? i think it must be different for everyone.
i have long since decided that the point of life is to find something that makes you feel alive and be it. the point of life is to be alive. how ground breaking. but you know what i mean. aliveness. get some. and when it is time to go. appreciate that you have had it.
so i am not going to fuck around anymore. (not in that sense. :P)
afterthought: world continuing to exist without you = boys /girls /friends /family /etc continuing to live their lives regardless of your involvement? meaning does the idea feel the same? and why do i care about these things? sometimes thinking seems like a stupid, pointless use of my time. also. i feel like i should mention that this was inspired by reading blogs about people dealing with life threatening illnesses. when that is me. well i want to feel ready.
Worrying about how people will continue their lives when you are gone is very much a vain thought. If it scares you to think that they will continue with their life, maybe not change anything even though you dont exist is just foolish. If you have ever known someone who has died, you know that the living MUST continue their life in (at the very least) a similar fashion. you will also know that EVERY death that is personal to you in what ever way effects you. At first its every day, then it dies down.
ReplyDeleteI will not deny that death, and how people act after mine, is a sad thought. But for me its more sad that people will get hurt because of me than it does that someday they will all have to live their lives.
Oh P.S. I totally agree with the finding something that makes one feel alive and then being it. <3
I think your first paragraph is kind of missing the idea... I am not talking about people who know me individually, and I am also not talking about fear. I am just talking about holding the idea in your mind of the world continuing without you in it. If you entirely cease to perceive (and perception is the only way in which ANYTHING exists to ANYBODY) and the world continues outside that. It is just a weird idea to think about. That the world exists outside perception. This blog is not really about truths or feelings or fears. It is just about....well like that movie Inception...it is just an idea that is paradoxical, yet fun, to think about.
ReplyDeleteAs for you second paragraph: If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times: I want everyone in my family to die before me for exactly that reason. I cannot stand the idea of hurting them.
I think you might have interpreted this post wrongly. It is not really about anything except for interesting ways of thinking about things...Not saying that your argument does not have many valid points, just that you are preaching to the choir. :)