the difference between "living" and "dying"?

so i have been thinking about death.

now. forgive me. i am as religious as anyone. really. i am really, really concerned and...in tune? with the forces of the universe. but. i was just thinking. what if this really is it? what if this. right here. is all that i will ever be. ever. not just my life. but my entire existence.

i know thinking like this is a total mind fuck. scary as shit. and just like. bizarre. it is insane to think about...ending. AND the world continuing to exist without you. so. bizarre.

but i am just saying. if this really is all that i will ever be. well. i am not going to fuck around anymore.

i do not think about death a lot. but when i do. well. i wonder. what is "living"? is it straight edge, healthy, 8 hours of sleep, regular exercise? or is it pass me the lsd and do not wake me before 3 pm? how do we define "life in your years"? what is alive? i think it must be different for everyone.

i have long since decided that the point of life is to find something that makes you feel alive and be it. the point of life is to be alive. how ground breaking. but you know what i mean. aliveness. get some. and when it is time to go. appreciate that you have had it.

so i am not going to fuck around anymore. (not in that sense. :P)

afterthought: world continuing to exist without you = boys /girls /friends /family /etc continuing to live their lives regardless of your involvement? meaning does the idea feel the same? and why do i care about these things? sometimes thinking seems like a stupid, pointless use of my time. also. i feel like i should mention that this was inspired by reading blogs about people dealing with life threatening illnesses. when that is me. well i want to feel ready.

relationships should have an expiration date...

so i read this book once. where instead of "dating" or "getting married" the characters would "agree to mate" for a predetermined amount of time. when that amount of time was up, they would assess the relationship and either agree to stay together for another predetermined amount of time or go their separate ways.

i think we should do this in the real world. instead of, "hey, let's go out till one of us breaks the other's heart," it would be, "hey, let's give each other three months, and if after three months, one or both of us does not feel like continuing the relationship, let's break up." settle it right there. at the beginning. see. then you know it is coming. you expect the possibility that it will end there. and during those three months you do not worry/fight about it ending, because you know that was not the agreement.

and it would not have to be "three months" it could be three years!

i just think it would be easier and more realistic if we learned to accept, from the beginning, that some things might not last forever. so we should just make the most of the time we have instead of always worrying about it not lasting forever. plus, getting your heart broken sucks. it would be nice to know when it is going to happen.

then again...i am sure we would still find a way to fight about it. it is our way.

why hello there

hello. i bet you are wondering. why does the world seem so much better than it did a few minutes ago? well. that is because you are here. you have found my blog.

i am sara. and APPARENTLY it is no longer "cool" to blog on myspace or facebook like the good old days. so i made myself this blogger page. did i make the right choice? i am not sure. there were so many to choose from. indecision! anyway. i picked this one. so here we are.

see i used to blog a lot. i used to obsess about blogging. i loved it. i even wrote a blog once about how much i love blogging. you can read that here if you like evidence. but then one day i stopped blogging. i stopped wanting people to know things about me. that is why my myspace page currently has NO information. which is kind of sad i guess. i dunno. sometimes life sucks and sometimes we do weird things to cope with the suckfest. i decided to stop existing i guess? i have no idea. WHATEVAH! because i am going to start blogging again. i am going to start saying my thoughts and stuff. and i am excited/scared/nervous? who knows.

sooooooo. if you like weird use of capitalization and girls who think they are way deeper than they really are (but not in that sense) and are sometimes (lets be honest most of the time) what people refer to as "insane" but are really just hilarious and very in touch with their "shadow side" then you are in the right place!

if you are still reading this i want you to know that i am scared. i am scared of people judging me. it would be easy to not let people know my thoughts. but would it be? the judgingness of people really makes it hard to exist properly. know what i mean? i hate being judged. i hate being told that i am "too" much of something. i hate the word "too". too short. too loud. too obsessed. too. too. too. everything is relative. maybe you are just too quiet? anyway. having people think negative things about you sucks. and i know you know what i mean. and i know you know what it feels like to judge yourself through other people's minds by imagining how they are judging you. but i am not going to be afraid anymore. i will not judge you if you do not judge me? deal?

now. i want you to judge me. how do you feel about this layout? the colors? did i say too many words in this blog? are you so bored? should i be cooler? funnier? well. i will be. stick round sugar.

also. i love you.

p.s. song of the moment: faith in fast cars by the format. listened to it like 50 times today.