BEDA Day 29: Poem up for critiquing...

So earlier today I posted a poem here for critiquing. But then I took it down and made few edits. It is a bit better now but still not even close to being complete. I wrote this this morning and edited it just now. I am concerned about fluidity between ideas and rhythm. Let me know if you feel like you understand it and how the poem's ideas flowed for you. Did you feel cheated by any of it? Was there any particular part that you feel the rhythm distracted you to the point of leaving the passage of the poem? I dunno. Just let me know what you think in general. Keep in mind. This is pretty much first draft material, so you are allowed to be as harsh as you want. Honesty is nothing but helpful.

I am currently trying to compose my portfolio to apply for the Creative Writing major so I might start posting more poems/stories to get feedback. I need to make them as good as humanly possibly. So seriously, any and all feedback is welcome. :)

Eve
Sometimes it snows in September
and I wear a winter coat
Sometimes it merely rains
and I sport a spring umbrella
Sometimes it shines the same as August
and still I buy new clothes
To wear them proudly
and peal them off with you
To throw them out and watch them dance
like secrets in the wind
And come October as they start to settle
we lay among them together
Reminiscing of the days when we used to feel
just like September

By December’s end you’re gone
And I stand
naked in my winter coat
Thinking how unreasonably fond we were
of the fall

My personal opinion is that the journey from September to October is unintentionally jarring. That it gets to the idea of disappointment before truly establishing the romantized situation...Maybe I should just take October out all together? I think I just put it in because I really like the idea of a person feeling like September. Originally, I wanted to make it a more intimate examination of a person and then someone saying "you feel like september" but it feels like overkill in this situation...maybe take it out and save it for later?

On another note, remember that giant "To Do" list I made before I was done with school? I have accomplished number 1, will be working on number 7 starting tomorrow, am in the process of number 2, will be doing all of number 4 the week after next, and am clearly working a bit on 8 and 12. Also, done a sliver of 14. I guess I am doing okay. But I need to keep hammering away at it.

Also, the decision to post this poem today was really great motivation for me to gets some writing done. I am thinking for September I make a deal to post a poem or story once or twice a week. Would you read? They probably would not be spectacular...but at least I would be working on them...

POLL: If you have read the Hunger Games, would it be a bad idea for me to listen to the audio book while I drive back to Wyoming? Should I just wait and actually READ it instead? I mean...how do you think that might affect the experience positively or negatively?

Night